Working on your marriage.
With 3 marriages to conduct over the summer I have been thinking and reading again about the subject. This began with a look at the Centre for Social Justice who have produced a formidable report on marriage and family life in the UK. 8% of married couples, the report says, will break up before their first child's 5th birthday, 48% of co-habiting couples will break up before the first child's fifth birthday. In other words there is a stronger commitment to the relationship in married couples which is better for the family and ultimately better for society (family breakdown, the report says, costs around £18bn in the UK)
Reading Bob Gass (July Word for Today)I discovered his provocative Marriage Myths:
1. The myth of Viral love - you catch the bug of love and enter a lifetime of unending bliss. Love based sole on romance doesn't work when "for better" meets "for worse", he says.
2. The myth of the Right Person - there is no right person to make us happy always.
3. The myth of the Full Box - effortless unending marital bliss.
4. The myth of the Marriage-go-Around - you can hop on and off marriages when you're bored. We don't have to grapple with marital issues. Just replace it!
Finally, The Marriage Book by Nikki and Scilla Lee. Every married couple should read it and every couple thinking about getting married. It is brilliant.
Long live marriage and live long in your marriage by working at it.
With 3 marriages to conduct over the summer I have been thinking and reading again about the subject. This began with a look at the Centre for Social Justice who have produced a formidable report on marriage and family life in the UK. 8% of married couples, the report says, will break up before their first child's 5th birthday, 48% of co-habiting couples will break up before the first child's fifth birthday. In other words there is a stronger commitment to the relationship in married couples which is better for the family and ultimately better for society (family breakdown, the report says, costs around £18bn in the UK)
Reading Bob Gass (July Word for Today)I discovered his provocative Marriage Myths:
1. The myth of Viral love - you catch the bug of love and enter a lifetime of unending bliss. Love based sole on romance doesn't work when "for better" meets "for worse", he says.
2. The myth of the Right Person - there is no right person to make us happy always.
3. The myth of the Full Box - effortless unending marital bliss.
4. The myth of the Marriage-go-Around - you can hop on and off marriages when you're bored. We don't have to grapple with marital issues. Just replace it!
Finally, The Marriage Book by Nikki and Scilla Lee. Every married couple should read it and every couple thinking about getting married. It is brilliant.
Long live marriage and live long in your marriage by working at it.
2 comments:
Thanks for this post.
My wife and I run the 'pre-marriage' prep course in our local church and often find couples have unrealistic visions of marriage and relationships.
We are now thinking of running a pre-engagement course as a prequal to the wedding prep course as often couple have no real idea what they are getting themselves into.
Curently we are using PJ Smyths Prewedding course with extra sessions performed by Christians Against Poverty (on finance) and utilising Peasent Princess by Mark Driscoll and two preaches from Mark Driscoll on Men and Marriage, and Women and Marriage. Whuch are excellent.
Once again thanks for the post.
Marriage is such a meaty subject, so much can be written about it and so many people who can give views and opinions.
I think, from my perspective, one of the hardest things when marriage goes wrong is when the other person absolutely, 100% refuses to change.
Now some Christians [and perhaps non Christians?] out there would then say, 'But you make the change first, then you will 'win' your spouse over.'
Really?
Well, all I can say to that is, 'Not in my experience.'
I think 15 years is a long time to try, to submit biblically [although at the time ignorant of the submission scripture]to the spouse.
I feel for those who are patient for 50 years, faithful for 50 years and selfless for 50 years. I feel for them, yet admire them. I do believe in marriage 100% and I know if it gets tough, you try harder to make it work.
However, when you are living a hell on Earth and sometimes that's what it feels like, not sad, not lonely, not frustrating, but hell on Earth. What then?
When the other person will not try, will not budge, will not change, what then?
Marriage counselling?
How do you force a horse to drink?
Prayer?
Tried that, but what about the person living the hell on Earth?
I said to God, 'God, please release me from this hell.' and he said to me, I believe:
"If you stay in this marriage it's going to be really very difficult, however, I will be with you. And if you decide to leave, it's going to be really very difficult, however, I will be with you. The main thing here is, that you have to make a choice and stick with it, it's not good for your children to keep coming and going, it makes them feel insecure. But know this, I will be with you"
So, I decided to stay, for my children.
But I can't say it was best for them and it certainly wasn't best for me, and my spouse' behaviour just worsened. Until in the end the decision was taken out of my hands, I had to leave for the sake of my sanity.
And yes, God was correct, it's been a long, difficult 6 years, really very tough and extremely hard, for my children and for me and actually it's been hard for my ex spouse too, but I don't regret my decision to leave.
What I regret more than anything were my wrong choices before my spouse or children ever existed in my life, surely the beginning in far more important?
That's why I think the government, church and society need to educate the next generation on the choices they make now and next, far more effective than putting a band aid on the broken arm after the downfall of society!
And there's no reason why the church and government can't work together on this either.
I value the work that people put into reconciling marriages, I commend this and speak good of it amongst my non Christian friends.
All I ask is let's not be ignorant to the real world out there with all it's real people, real lives and real children.
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